Standing on the Edge

Here I am, on the eve of one of the biggest life changes I have ever made. I have graduated high school and college, gotten married, and birthed two beautiful children. Before today I would have said that having children was the biggest lifestyle change I have ever willingly made. Now, with the dawn of a new day for my family looming, I have to say I am more nervous and excited about this change than I have ever been. Nervous because I know how important this is. Excited because I feel like maybe this time I will finally get it. Maybe this time everything will click and I will succeed.

 I was talking with my good friend John about how I rarely let anything hold me back. When I wanted to make my own path in the theatre world, he and I simply started producing our own works. When I wanted to have a natural birth experience free of fear, I simply found the right midwife and made it so. I feel in many ways that I tend to be a doer rather than a wisher. I have conquered many fears and jumped headlong into dreams to make them my reality. The one thing, the ONE thing still holding me back from the life I want to lead is my weight. I have lived my entire life with this albatross around my neck. I have let it back me into corners, scare me into submission, and rob me of my confidence and feelings of self worth. My family history is one of obesity, diabetes, and mobility issues. My personal history seems to be mirroring that very pattern. 

People talk a lot about the moment when they knew a change was necessary. That moment where something breaks and the only option is to find a new path. My moment wasn't glamorous. There weren't bells, fireworks, or tears. Earlier this week I went into the doctor's office seeking some relief from a thrush infection from nursing my 6 month old. As always, I was asked to step on the scale. My heart sunk when I realized I was the very same weight I had been the week before I delivered Iris. The same weight as when I was 9 months pregnant. Six. Months. Ago.

 Lee and I have been talking about going with a Primal diet for months. We have even transitioned many of our evening meals into Paleo and Primal friendly. But I was still gorging myself on sweets, using the crutch of fast food to save time, and drinking tons of caffeinated sodas. I realized as I stared at that scale that this lifestyle was clearly making itself known. Not only do I weigh as much as I did while pregnant, my hips still hurt the same, my knees hurt WORSE, and my body seems to be rebelling against me in every way I can imagine.

This was my moment, in the hallway of a clinic with bad flourescent lighting and the smell of pine sol and antibacterial hand sanitizer.

 So tonight, as I write this painful first entry, I vow to continue to write about this journey as much as I can. To keep me honest and on track. Because this HAS to happen. I know which path I am on, and I know which path I need to be on. I have always felt that the key to my success for a healthy lifestyle lay just out of my grasp. Now, with an empty pantry and a full fridge, the knowledge of how my body is meant to work, the support of my awesome husband, and the resolve to FINALLY succeed, I think maybe this time I'll win.